How to Teach Kids About Death
When I was a child, pets died. This was a common thing. By the age of perhaps eight or nine, I had buried two hamsters, two budgies, countless goldfish, one parrot that wasn’t even ours (the owner was a family friend who lived in an apartment and didn’t have anywhere to bury the bird) and apparently one bunny rabbit – I was too young to remember burying Hophop, but we took pictures of the event and toddler me looks to have had a serene understanding of what was going on.
These days, however, some parents place their children inside a protective bubble (figuratively speaking), where nobody is ever upset, no-one has any problems, and the topic of death is dealt with as quickly as possible without the adults looking like they’re processing any kind of emotion. It’s crazy. These people will literally bemoan the way that Hollywood surrounds young stars with ‘yes-people’ who never tell the truth and end up creating a monster, yet they treat their own kids in the exact same way.
When it comes to death in the family, answering questions like ‘what is a heart attack’ and ‘is Mesothelioma a painful death’ and ‘what happens after we die’ is always going to be a difficult conversation. Kids are kids, after all. Not yet mentally equipped for the real world. But that’s the point. They never will be mentally equipped to deal with death unless we support them through developing their understanding of what it means to lose a grandparent.
How to start the conversation
Following a death in the family, don’t use euphemisms when telling your child. A classic example is telling a child that a family member has ‘gone to sleep’. This rarely works and just confuses young people (and could make them scared of sleep). Instead, choose a direct approach and don’t be afraid to show emotion. Try something like “You know how Grandma was very ill? …She died last night in the hospital, the doctors made sure she wasn’t in any pain, and we’re all going to miss her very much, because we all love Grandma lots and lots”.
Be prepared for curious questions
At this stage, the child will have questions. They will be upset, too, but through the tears they are likely to ask things to which you nor I nor anybody who has gone before has the answers. Two things need to happen. One is to encourage the questions. Answer them by asking “That’s a good question, what do you think?”. Second, the child is going to feel a little lost, so make a comment about going somewhere later in the day – children crave structure.
Until they invent an anti-death vaccination, we’re all going to have to learn to teach our kids about death.
